FDNY To In Shape FireFighters, “GET FAT OR LOSE YOUR JOB”!

In the past six months, 32 Firefighters have had medical emergencies working at emergency scenes. All 32 fully recovered and the events were described best by medical staff as “passing out” or Fainting. Dr. Knucklebutt leading physician at  HQ conducted a study to discover what the cause was. What he found shocked most of the Emergency Community in NYC.  Firefighters are eating too good.

Of the 32 that fainted , all of them were suffering from either low blood sugar or Dehydration.  This is most likely caused by the firefighters good eating habits.

For Decades Fire fighters Paraded themselves on being in the best shape possible. The opposite sex would be all sweaty when the crew was seen in public.

“This has to end, if we want to save lives! I mean you never see a over weight medic or cops, but not fire fighters.” Dr Knucklebutt wondered why?

While cops and Medics are on the street all day from the higher than normal call volume lately fire fighters tend to hang out at the fire house. They eat great and work out all day.

“These men and women are in great shape and that has to end” Dr knucklebutt stated.  

The Results of a 4 million dollar study paid half by tax payer money and half by Hostess and Pepsi, firefighters should eat more junk food, drink more soda and work out less. If they all had pot belly’s the extra weight would keep the body’s sugar and fluid content higher so the firefighter would be able to withstand more. By having a higher body fat percentage firefighters would have more energy in storage thus be less likely to passout.

The next steps angered the Fire fighters union. FDNY admin now has ordered water be replaced with soda and sugar filled energy drinks. Fresh fruits and greens replaced with Twinkies and cupcakes. All vending machines that carry diet soda or Water are now against dept. rules in City owned Fire houses. All Gyms replaced with couches and TV’s With Hostess Vending machines at a steeply discounted rate to entice the in shape rank and file. Most vending machine items will be sold for 25 cents each.

When pressed for official comment., The newly elected NYC mayor had this to say.

“If they want to work out and eat great then let them when they are off duty, when on the clock they belong to me and they will eat what I tell them too”. 

Not everyone was upset over this, Hostess snack company said the new business with vending machines guaranteed in every firehouse would ramp up business and profits for them. They then threw this reporter/writer out of the building when pressed for comment about the relation of the company’s brand new President and CEO Maurice Knucklebutt to Audrey Knucklebutt at Fire HQ.

Stayed tuned for part 2 of this story we anticipate publishing next year titled “Fighting fires with diabetes, everything you need to know”.