New Cost Cutting Measure Limits TP Use for Paramedics

A new emergency medical services cost cutting initiative has left some saying, “that’s crap.”

Faced with poor third quarter earnings, American Ambulance Medical Response (AAMR) has announced a new program designed to improve the health of emergency responders, while saving the environment and cutting utility costs. Dubbed “Go Before You Go,” the program asks paramedics and EMTs to use the bathroom before they come to work. Additionally, personnel will be limited to four squares of bathroom tissue per 12 hour shift, and one toilet flush per hour. Crew quarters will be retrofitted with state of the art thumbprint toilet paper dispensers and flush handles to track each provider’s toiletry usage.

“We’re really excited to announce this new healthcare measure,” said AAMR Spokesman Clay Adkinson,. “This is not only an investment in the health of our employees, but also the welfare of our shareholders.”

Adkinson went on to say, “This comes with the additional benefit of lowering our carbon footprint which will improve the overall health of our community through a reduction in climate change.”

But not everyone is so excited.

“It’s not the job of AAMR to supervise our bathroom habits,” said Paramedic Jim Reynolds. “This is a blatant violation of our privacy and our rights as workers. They actually issued a memo on flushing that read ‘Yellow is allowed to stay and mellow, only when brown flush it down’. What kind of policy is that?”

Reynolds stated that he and other AAMR providers are looking into possible legal action on the issue. But, for now, the question of whether or not it’s their duty to regulate a paramedic’s duty is not stopping AAMR from moving forward with the Go Before You Go program.

“In the days to come our employees can look forward to being provided with healthy, low-fiber snacks such as bananas, rice, carrot sticks and cheese, as well as free classes on coffee cessation,” Adkinson said. The program is expected to save the company around $30,000 per year, which would otherwise be flushed down the drain.

Additional Reporting by Drew Rinella