Call the Cops The 27th Most Trusted Site in Public Safety
A 2010 Austin Police Department community policing initiative that began with much promise will be drawing to an end in the coming weeks. Department officials starting receiving feedback about their officers from many residents that live in the area of downtown Austin stretching from East 6th Street to South Congress Avenue. Those residents said that the officers working the beat could not understand the daily struggles and lifestyle of an Austin hipster.
Hipster police will be going back to normal uniforms.
The program was an immediate hit with the local hipster community as well as department brass, as they saw a dramatic decrease in officer complaints. A local resident, identified only as “Mop”, said that the new hipster cops were easier to deal with. “Man, when the old APD robots used to come through and tell me I couldn’t run red lights on my bike, I was like ‘Whaaaaat?!’ But these new ones don’t even look up when they are Instagramming their fixie mounted type-writers.”
Things were going quite smoothly for the program until an audit by department officials brought to light a litany of problems. The problems began as smaller ones but became more serious as the years went on. Arrests dropped 86% and non-hipster residents in the area did not feel comfortable having to submit their complaints to officers via Twitter. And like many undercover officers, many of the hipster cops started showing tell-tale signs of what is commonly known as “burnout”. This is evident by reports being turned in that had lost their professional law enforcement tone that were now driven mostly by irony and apathy. An excerpt of a 2012 report written by an unidentified hipster officer was provided to Call the Cops as an example. “So I was just eating a free-range non-GMO Twinkie and this frado wearing Old Navy (really?) came up and said somebody stole his F-250. I told him that his carbon footprint was the real crime and popped an Arrogant Bastard (you’ve probably never heard of it). I think I went 10-8 but who really cares.”
Major problems started being attributed to the program in late 2013 when many of the officers had developed debilitating addictions to India Pale Ales that would lead to shift-long diatribes on organic hops. The final straw for Operation Irony Fist was when calls in the area began going unanswered for hours. Officials discovered the reason for this was that all of the hipster cops had refused to use their police radios anymore, stating, “radio is so corporate these days”.
APD brass plan to send the whole division to a treatment facility in a nearby suburb that specializes in hipster rehab. The facility is known for their controversial therapy that consists of exorbitant amounts of “How I Met Your Mother”, Keystone Light, and nothing but Applebee’s for three months.
