Cops ordered to gain weight to “Soften Image”

Last week the president told police to soften their image. Police administrators have been trying to figure out how to do so. Now because of the TV show Mike and Molly, they have the answer, heavy set cops.

Image thanks to CBS

Image thanks to CBS

Chief Alan Harper say this is a sure fire plan that has to work. “Everyone seems to love that Mike guy on Mike and Molly. Then think back to all the people you love from movies and TV. John Belushi, John Candy and Chris Farley are all the first names that come to mind. All husky guys. So that means we need bigger cops.”

Criminal Justice experts agree with the theory. Professor Lyndsey McElroy has a theory about police use of force. “All these cops working out and training to fight are predisposed to use force. So a police force of guys who like to sit around and eat will be predisposed to community policing efforts.”

Local bakeries and doughnut shops are said to be in support of Chief Harper.

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The staff at the CallTheCops are all people who now or at one time did work as police, firefighters, in EMS and even dispatch.