Ambulances Fight Crime

Cincinnati has a new tool in the fight against crime: Ambulances

City officials confirm that for the past two months, the police department has been using ambulances to serve search warrants and make clandestine raids on suspected drug houses.

Ambulance SWAT


“Ambulances are a perfect way of getting close to suspects without arousing their suspicion” stated a senior member of the Cincinnati Police Department who did not wish to have his name disclosed in exchange for talking to us. “Seeing an ambulance in these neighborhoods is quite common. Nobody thinks twice when they see one” he stated.

Not only can the ambulances approach without raising suspicion, they can deliver a large number of police officers in tactical gear, which could otherwise take several conspicuous vehicles to accomplish. Police officials state “We can use one ambulance to deliver a team of 6-8 officers right up to the doorstep”.

Officials went on to state “When criminals see an ambulance driver exit the vehicle, they let their guard down. This gives us an excellent tactical advantage in the situation”.

Fire union officials see things differently. They state diverting ambulances to police operations leaves them short vehicles, and increases response times for EMS when fewer vehicles are forced to cover a larger territory.

Police officials deny this allegation. “We are using ambulances which are out of service for minor mechanical issues. We do not pull ambulances from their assigned duty for these operations” they state.

Fire union officials state when they complained to the Mayor’s office, they were told “These ambulances are city property, not the property of the Cincinnati Fire Department. We can use them as we see fit”

Police officials applauded the success of using ambulances as law enforcement tools. “Pursuits are down. We are able to take down suspects before they even know we are there”. They state this increases safety for citizens, as well as for suspects. “You have to remember, these suspects are still innocent until proven guilty in a court of law” stated police officials. “By apprehending them while they are unaware, they are less likely to be hurt in a confrontation, and thus are less likely to sue the city”.

Police went on to say that they considered using fire engines in a similar role, but that they rejected this plan as they are more difficult for officers to drive, cannot carry as many officers, and are more expensive to repair when damaged.

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About Zod

Mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper. Fights a never-ending battle for half-truths, disinformation and agitating the dimwitted. Find what I write distasteful? Then get better taste. And remember, it isn't a lie if you believe it.